Prom

Dear Josh,
Thank you for inviting me to the upcoming spring formal. I was absolutely flattered to receive your invitation. A woman hits a certain age where invitations from younger men are not only flattering but ego-boosting. So thank you for making me feel young and pretty and attractive.

There are a few reasons that I had to say no. First of all, I graduated from High School in 1999. I have experienced the High School Prom more times than I care to admit. Some might say I even lived every girl's dream regarding the Prom. In my own day, in my precious youth, in a past century, I held the coveted title of Prom Queen. It's true that the teachers picked the nominees at my rural, bucolic school, so it wasn't a true vote of popularity. It is more likely to say that I was crowned the Prom's Most Popular Teacher's Pet. I was smart and anorexic--I mean, who doesn't like the quiet girl who can fit inside her locker? In any case, my point is that I have already lived the ultimate experience in terms of High School Prom, and I have no desire to return to those days, not even for a young man like yourself.

Secondly, I am probably busy that night. You didn't get a chance to tell me when it was, but I'm assuming it's in May, and believe it or not buddy, it's May already. You have to ask a girl waaaaaayyyyy sooner than that. I mean, there are hair appointments to schedule, a dress to buy, and massive shaving to be done. I am booked through July, so even if you had told me when the Prom was taking place, and even if there were no other factors surrounding my decision to say no, I would be highly skeptical of my availability.

Another significant factor affecting my decision to turn you down is the fact that I am in a committed relationship. With a woman. Who is probably twenty years older than you. Not only would she be confused if I had chosen to accompany you to your Prom, but she may have beat up your Mom.

Subsequently, I also had to say no because you are a complete stranger. I don't know your last name, how cool you look in Wheelies (or whatever the kids are wearing these days), or what kind of car you have. These are all important factors in choosing a prom date. For that matter, you know nothing about me. What if you are looking for a girl who self-tans for the prom? That's not me. I don't even paint my fingernails. I don't even wear anti-perspirant. You would have been disappointed. I'm really doing you a favor.

And lastly, the form your solicitation took was a bit amiss. Maybe I'm too old to understand the appeal of a text message invitation to the prom, but I suspect that any girl would prefer an old-fashioned, face to face invitation. Are you scared of me? And why the all lower-case, no punctuation, fragmented sentences? Is it a literary representation of your vulnerability in such a situation? I know it's scary to ask a girl to the Prom. But, buddy, come on. Don't do it over text message.

Josh, I bet you're a great kid. I hope you do find a last minute date to the Prom. I hope she is everything you hoped for. But here is my last tidbit of advice. Please take this seriously, it will enhance your chances of getting a date a hundred fold. The next time you text message a girl to ask her if she'll be your date to the prom, please, please, Joshua, please:

Make sure you have the right phone number.

Sincerely,

651-xxx-xxxx