Vacation

I am supposed to be on vacation this week, at my parents cabin on Spirit Lake, with Luna and Stacia.

However, a series of gut-wrenching events occurred, which has catapulted me into the ambiguous land of extracting myself from a broken relationship, and which has now given me a week on my own, free from vacation and also free from teaching.

When we called off our vacation (it's no fun to go on vacation with someone with whom you have just broken up), I decided not to reschedule my piano lessons. I planned instead to fill my days with therapy, writing, hot tea, music, friends, running, stretching, and reading.

What I got instead were days and days of no sleep, not enough food, the inability to concentrate on anything creative, and a knot the size of a mountain in my stomach.

I am coming around now, able to eat and sleep again. I have consumed massive quantities of chamomile tea and even attempted running (which didn't turn out well--trying run after a few days of hardly sleeping and eating is a bad idea). I have depended on my friends to the point of running out of cell phone minutes this month (I usually have hundreds of minutes left over at the end of the month). I have tried to take it day by day, moment by moment, and have even succeeded at enjoying some of those moments, in between fits of sobbing. (Like whitewater kayaking for the first time ever--pure fun. Or visiting the butterfly tent with the girls I babysit and watching the kids immerse themselves in a hunt for caterpillars. Or even getting the chance to watch Persepolis, the film based on the comicbook-style memoir by Marjane Sartrapi, not once but twice.)

All in all, I will come out of this alright. I know it because I have done it before.

I will eventually pick myself up off the floor, reassemble the pieces, and walk on.

I didn't really consider that it might be dishonest to cancel the vacation and then stay in St. Paul and not teach piano lessons. It never occurred to me that I might run into my students and their parents, and then have to explain why I am hanging around St. Paul without maintaining my regular schedule. Of course, I am not obligated to give any explanations at all--I am self-employed and get to set my own schedule. But I am also pretty friendly with most of my clients, and it wouldn't be out of line for them to ask, "Why are you not on vacation? Is everything okay?"

Case in point: I have spent the past few mornings at a neighborhood cafe, drinking full throttle coffee (my half-caff attempts have gone out the window during this emotional turmoil) and using the internet. In the past 24 hours, 2 of which I have spent at this coffee shop, I have run into not one, not two, not three, but FOUR parents of students.

FOUR.

What are the odds? I only have like 20 students. Running into 4 different parents is a full 20% of my clientele, right there, using the same coffee shop that I am.

So to most of them, I have just said, "Oh, my plans fell through, and I am taking a week off anyway."

But I can't help feeling a little squeamish about hanging out at what is apparently the rendezvous point for all of my students and their families (it just occurred to me that I should advertise here--holy moly potential student jackpot), and then pretending like I am just taking a leisurely week to relax. I mean, maybe I am. But I feel like there is a lot going on inside my head and heart these days, which isn't all that conducive to ease of relaxation.

All in all, I am not going to remain anxious about running into my students this week. Whatever. I never cancel lessons, I'm always (usually) on time, and taking one week off during the summer, even if I haven't left the city, is perfectly reasonable. So I'm not going to perpetuate that guilty feeling of being busted, of being found out, of being clearly not on vacation during the week I had canceled all my lessons.

(I have enough to be emotional about.)

And, besides, if 20% of my clientele is an accurate sample, I can safely say that most of my clients would be perfectly fine with knowing that I am taking a week off, for personal reasons, rather than for a family vacation.

Some of those clients (maybe more like 10%) double as friends. To those few people, I have given a more straightforward explanation of the situation, and from those few people, I have received generous offers of a spare bed, help moving, and an open phone policy.

"Call anytime, Liz," one client/friend told me, sincerely. "You're not just our piano teacher, you know."