I'm sorry, You are not Elizabeth.

I have had some issues with phones. My cell phone doesn't get great reception in my building, so I frequently have to set up a makeshift office outside in the grass in order to make calls, finalize scheduling, etc. In lieu of the oncoming winter months, I have been frantic trying to find a cheap, reliable phone service that I can use inside my apartment.

Last week, I called Vonage, just to get some information. The person I talked to was a little pushy but promised me the world. He said I could sign up risk free for a trial one-month period. Generally, I am cautious about things like this, but for whatever reason, I thought, what the heck, I am at my wits end about not being able to use a phone in my apartment, a free trial period sounds like a good idea.

NOT A GOOD IDEA.

Here's the thing: I didn't even use the service. Never even installed it or made a single call. I really had no complaints, I just decided, after some thought, that I really didn't need it. My cell phone works sometimes, and an extra monthly bill from Vonage, even at $15/month is just unnecessary. So today, in good faith, I called Vonage to cancel my service, which I had never even used.

What happened was nowhere near good costumer service. It was rude, bullying, frustrating, and outright infuriating.

I talked to (lets call him) "John" for around a half an hour. I told him I wanted to cancel my service please, and he said, "Okay, ma'am, I can help you with that, but first I will need you to verify your name and address."

Sure. No prob. I gave my name and my address.

"I'm sorry, the Elizabeth that signed up for Vonage gave us a different address. I'll give you two more chances, and then I'll have to disconnect you. Please verify the address on the account."

A little shaken, I repeated my address. What? Had I mixed up the numbers? And did I detect a condescending voice? No...it's all in my head...I just mis-spoke my address. Now he's got it.

"I'm sorry," (it is a condescending voice!), "That's not Elizabeth's address. You have one more chance. What is the address?"

Growing a little irritated, I said, "Look, maybe someone typed it in wrong. I am giving you my address."

"In order to protect Elizabeth's account, I cannot help you unless you know the address on the account. The address you are giving me is not Elizabeth Rognes's address. You have one more chance."

What the fuck. Was this a gameshow? One more chance? IT'S MY ADDRESS!!! I know my own address.

Finally, I repeated my address but eliminated the apartment number, in a wild attempt to find the right answer.

"Thank you, that's correct."

Sweet Jesus!

So then he asked how he could help me, and I said that I would like to cancel my service, and he said, "Let me give you some other options."

He began giving me a list about ten minutes long, and I interrupted him to say, "Thank you, but I would just like to cancel my service."

"But don't you want to put your account on hold and transfer your service to a friend or family instead?"

"No thank you," I said, doing my best to keep my patience.

"So you put your own needs in front of others?"

Excuuuuuuuuuse me????? This was a blow. I scoffed, feeling humiliated and offended. Who says that? In what world is it professional to berate the customer? In fact, I felt shamed!

I stammered, "Uh, I would just like to cancel my service."

This game went on and on, he continued trying to offer me other options, and I continued to say no and offer as little information as possible.

He asked how I was going to find a better deal, and what my new phone service is going to cost me.

I said, "That's none of your business."

"Actually ma'am, it IS my business. In the business of providing a service, it IS my business to know where my costumers are going and how much they are going to pay. So tell me who your new phone provider is?"

Just wanting to finish the process I said, "Look, I am on a long-standing cell phone contract. I thought I needed a home phone, but it turns out having a cell phone is all I need and can afford."

"Ma'am, what is your monthly budget?"

"That is certainly not your business."

"Actually, ma'am, it IS my business. As a costumer service provider, it IS my business to help you find a rate that fits into your budget. So what is your monthly budget?"

"I am not required to tell you what my budget is. I would just like to cancel my service."

"Okay and I can help you with that," (ARGH! That condescending voice!!!), "but first I want to make sure you aren't making a rash decision. Let's just think about this. It doesn't make sense for you to cancel your service with Vonage when you can transfer your free month trial period to a friend or family member. Do you really want to lose out on free service? Is that the smartest thing to do?"

Again, I felt bullied and disrespected. I figured he was doing what he was trained to do--pull out all the stops and try to retain costumers. But this was outrageous!

So more and more haggling happened, and finally, thirty minutes later, he agreed to cancel my service. Then he said, "But I will need to you to stay on the line while I put you on hold and cancel your service."

"Okay," I said.

"You're not in a hurry, are you?" he asked.

My irritation was burgeoning, multiplying, beginning to ooze from my pores. "What do you mean? How long will I be on hold?"

"I can't tell you that."

Oh, Exasperation! "Can you give me an estimate?"

"I cannot disclose that information. But I will tell you that if you hang up while you are on hold, you account will not be terminated, and you will have to call back at a later time."

Irritated and aware of how many minutes I had already used up on my shared cell phone family plan, I said, "Okay, let's just go ahead and do it as quickly as possible."

He tried again to change my mind but finally clicked over so that I was on hold.

And on hold....

and on hold.....
and on hold....
hold
hold hold
..................
................

I did some emailing, some web surfing, some peeing, some cooking, some light housework, wrote a novel, a symphony, went for a run, picked my nose, cleaned the litter box......
............

still
on
hold

Thirty minutes later (yes, I was exaggerating about all the things I did while waiting on hold--but I certainly thought about them all), I was still on hold, and my Monday afternoon student appeared at my door. Knock, knock!

I did the only thing I could prudently do in that situation, I hung up the goddamn phone and taught some music. I could not have afforded the minutes wasted sitting on hold while sightreading Puccini. And I couldn't interrupt a lesson to take a call from Johnage with Vonage. Honestly! Argh! Exasperation, Annoyance, Irritation, Frustration, Aggravation, Agitation, and, Hail Mary, Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrovocation!!!!!!

I opened the door and smiled politely at my student and then proceeded to vent about what I had just gone through (yes--it is an adult student, I wasn't unloading on a third grader.)

So. After all of that, a total of one hour on the phone, feeling berated, bullied, and shamed, I still have not had my service canceled. This is ridiculous. RI DI CU LO SO.

Remember, I hadn't really had any issues with Vonage at the onset of this debacle. I was neutral. And after this phone call, I am outraged and irritated and completely frustrated with Vonage. I still have not had my service canceled!

And all of this after nearly refusing to speak to me in the first place because the person who had entered my address did not include my apartment number, so when I recited my address including the apartment number, I heard, "I'm sorry. The Elizabeth who ordered Vonage service does not have that address. I'm going to have to disconnect you."

He might as well have said, "I'm sorry, you are not Elizabeth Rognes, and I am not part of Vonage. I am just here to make you feel like shit and ensure that you continue paying a monthly fee. Is that your final answer? I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Good bye."