Gluten-Filled Burritos

I have had a wild weekend.

I don't mean wild in the sense that I partied like a rock star or wild in the sense that I traveled to Cuba with someone else's passport. I don't even mean wild in the sense that I got a haircut or shaved my armpits.

I mean wild in the sense that I spent upwards of 72 hours with three little kids, whom I endearly call the Burritos, ages 9, 5, and 3. These are probably my three favorite kids in the world, but it was one of the most exhausting weekends I have ever experienced.

Their parents were in New York for the weekend and left me with the mini-van, keys to the house, a menu for Pizza Luce, two movies, and a small epic novel of directions. I would be willing to say that I am competent with kids. But, incidentally, as all things are even when they seeem to be evil-ly calculated, this was the one weekend of the winter so far that I just happened to come down with a debilitating cold. I spent most of the weekend sneezing, coughing, and stocking my body up on Zinc, Echinacea, Vitamin C, and then anything I could find that would relieve the pain of my throat and throbbing head. And I enacted very strict rules about not drinking from Liz's water bottle, not kissing Liz, and so forth. Even so, by the end of the weekend, I wasn't the only one sneezing. Then again, this could have something to do with the fact that I fed the kid with wheat-allergies Pizza Luce one night...and, by the way, what's with the pizza place that has amazing vegan pizza not offering a gluten-free pizza too?

Also, this family is very much into getting all their food from reputable sources, and their fridge is stocked with farm fresh dairy and meats. That's great, it really is wonderful, but I am a vegetarian and I have some trouble cooking meat, even if it is organic-fed and locally raised. So I raided their pantry and we subsisted on rice noodles, quinoa pancakes, cheese, almond butter, yogurt, etc. Okay, I did reheat a couple of meat products for them. But I drew the line at dumping the already made chicken noodle soup their mom made into a pot and stirring it a couple of times.

Besides our differences in diet, I realized that we have very different ethics in card playing techniques. The five-year-old seemed to think it was absolutely OK to stand up, walk around behind my back and peek at my UNO cards and then report back to his brother. Apparently, this was their "strategy." I tried to explain that this "strategy" was actually called "cheating," in most card-playing circles, but somehow we couldn't agree on that point.

And the three-year-old is learning how to negotiate. Her dad is in business, so maybe she picked it up from him. At nap-time, she would say, "But I don't want a nigh-night." And I would say, "But, sweetie, it's time for nigh-night." And she would take a deep breath, sit up, look me straight in the eye and say, with her fingers pinched together to illustrate her point, "Ok. How about just a little, tiny nigh-night?" And I would smile and say, "Ok, just a little one." And sure enough, she would go down, and her "tiny nigh-night" would become a sleep extravagana from which I had to wake her every single day.

Bathtime was pretty fun. They have a giant bathtub into which all three kids fit inside with room to spare. They bring their bath toys, and it becomes a time for splashing and playing as well as cleansing. I was a tad bit horrified when the youngest one yanked on her brother's penis and his eyes got big, but he laughed and calmly told her not to do that, that it was his Sensitive Place.

Potty time can be funny at their house too. One day we were playing and the oldest one said, "I'll be right back. I have to go to the bathroom." He disappeared into the bathroom, and his younger brother immediately followed. The younger one was standing outside of the closed bathroom door. He knocked a couple of times and then said, "Hey, Cam, I just have to know. Are you going poop or pee?"

And one evening, I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and the younger of the boys came in to pee. He just went about his business, but he decided he needed to ask me a question, and he turned his body without stopping the stream and peed all over the floor while he asked me what kind of toothpaste I had.

The only real difficult times happened when all three were tired...or maybe it had more to do with me being tired...and they would bicker and I would lose my patience. I think that kids are pretty sensitive, and that when I am on that edge of exhaustion, they pick up on it. Of course we had our share of bumps and bruises, knocked heads, and slips on the ice. But...I'm pretty good with that stuff, since I deal with it myself almost every day on accordance of my less-than-graceful gait.

Overall the weekend was fun. I taught the oldest one how to do Sodoku and he went NUTS over it. They taught me some new games and told me everything I will ever need to know about Star Wars. And they gave me lots of hugs and told me they loved me and they were snuggly and sweet and hilarious. I think a weekend with three kids is OK every once in a while. But I'm not sure how full-time parents do it. I was completely drained by the time they got home.

I really enjoy watching other people's kids because I get to enjoy the fun things like hugs and games and the funny things they do, but I still get to go home to a quiet apartment with no Star Wars, no diapers, no bickering, and no legos on the floor. I cannot begin to tell you how much I missed my quiet cats, quiet mornings with coffee and a silent sunrise, an hour for concentration on a Schubert Impromptu, and nights next to my girlfriend. Sometimes the most refreshing thing is a break from routine because you get to appreciate the things you take for granted.

I'm not the only one who felt that way. When the parents got home, they were nearly in tears at the sight of their kids. It was their first weekend away from all three, and while I was longing for quiet mornings and piano time, they were missing some of the very things I was ready to leave with them: three beautiful, buzzy, Star Wars-obsessed, smiley, snuggly, gluten-filled, funny, adoring, adorable kids.