Monday, October 8, 2007

Fall Camping and Coming to Terms with my Statriotism

Have you ever woken up in the middle of night and had to pee really bad? Like if-I-don't-go-now-I'll-explode kind of hafta pee? But you are in a tent in 40 degree weather on the shore of Lake Superior in 20-miles-per-hour winds, pouring rain, and fiercely strobing lightning? And your tent (along with your bladder) is shifting with the wind, and the sound of the gushing rain, the ten-foot-high waves crashing against the rocks, and the spray of the wind-blown water is roaring in your ears?


I did. Last weekend. I can't show you any pictures of the weather conditions because it was too rainy and windy to have any sort of camera available. But trust me. You have not seen waves like this in the Midwest unless you have been on the shore of Lake Superior during a storm.

It was powerful and scary and difficult and beautiful all at the same time. Stacia and I nearly broke up trying to put the tent up. (And it's an easy tent to assemble, under normal conditions.) Once we finally had the tent up (and had kissed and made up), we left the campsite entirely to eat a warm meal that didn't require using her camping stove in the storm. By the time we returned, the only thing we really could do was retire to our tent and try to sleep. We had high hopes that the wind and rain would be gone the next morning.

Not so. The next morning was even colder and just as windy. We sat behind our tent in our camping chairs and tried to find a spot to boil water. Stacia fired up the stove and made me water for coffee. I put on about four layers of clothing, including wicking, thermal long underwear, a cotton/poly blend long-sleeved T-shirt, a big wool sweater, and a raincoat (okay, that's five). Even under my small village of textiles and hot press pot coffee in hand, I was shivering in my camping chair. We both endured the chill for a couple of hours, entertaining our morning camping routine which consists of coffee for me, green tea or O'doul's for Stacia, granola and soy milk (or, if it's an O'doul's kind of morning, buffalo wing chips or some other salty variety), and unlimited time for just sitting together outside and catching up on our busy lives, before we take off for long hikes. Usually, we linger and take our time just reveling in each other's company and whatever earthy surroundings we have. This morning, though (and it was certainly an O'doul's morning), we made the time for our connective morning chat but didn't push it beyond what was necessary. I sat, shivering and chattering and smiling, trying to stay optimistic. Stacia, between buffalo wing chip chomps, alternated grumbling about the cold and cooing about the beautiful leaves. "It's gorgeous here," she would say, and just as the words escaped her mouth, a gust of wind would rattle our chairs and I would be blinded by my hair whipping into my face. When it subsided and I could see again, she would be frowning. "This is impossible. We will never get a fire with this wind."

In the end, we decided to pack it up and leave. It was too cold, too windy, too wet, too dreary. Someone uninformed might say we "wussed" out. No, no, no! If you had seen the wind we had to deal with in the first place, you would say, "Wow, what competent campers! How brave to have stayed for the whole night!" (If you are a serious camper, you will surely understand. We were both pre-menstrual. Stacia has a bad back. It was cold!!! I'm not trying to justify it, I'm just explaining that we carefully considered our options, and while we weren't happy about it, leaving was the most prudent choice at the time.)

So, being the brave campers that we are, we set a safe limit and carted our heavy things back up the long, windy, muddy, hilly trail where the car sat waiting for us with its brand new 2007-2008 Minnesota State Parks sticker.

We stopped at Goosebury Falls, to see the sights, where the tourists had come in drones and busloads to admire fall in Minnesota. Here are some images of our good time there:



I really only have a camera on my cell phone, and it seemed frivolous to ask someone to take our picture. So, I took this one of the two of us myself. I know, it's pretty great.


This is standing in between the high falls and the low falls.

This is a special place. Do you see the hint of water and foggy horizon in between the two birch trees? We have better images of it, but I can't show you too much or you will want it to be your special place too.

G to the Oosebury
..........

When we returned to the Twin Cities in our wool sweaters and long johns, from inside my car with the heat blasting on our frozen, wind-blown bodies, we saw a bank sign that (clearly mistaken) said "Current Temp: 86."

I furrowed my brow and, from beneath my icicle-laden fuzzy knit hat and mittens, observed, "Wow, that bank sign must be broken."

To prove my point, I rolled down the window and reached outside.

Clearly, my hands were numb, because I couldn't feel any cold air at all! In fact, it felt....tropical...like humid and hot. It was very strange, and I could only imagine that my nerves had been so damaged by the tundra-like weather at our campsite that my sense of temperature was messed up. I said so to Stacia. Sometimes, Stacia likes to call me "Connie," which is short for "Hypochondriac," it's a term of endearment really, but this time she fully agreed with my self-assessment.

"There is no way is hot out there, Connie," she said. "You just really have frozen your fingertips off and now you can't feel a thing. Look, I'll show you that it is definitely cold out there."

She rolled the driver's side window and stuck out her arm. Amazed, she pulled it back in and looked at me with surprised. "I've frozen off my fingertips too. Either that or it's actually hot out there!"

Believe it or not, it really was in the mid 80's in Saint Paul! Outrageous! We left freaking Antarctica and found Fiji about 200 miles South. It makes me feel all the more awestruck by the sheer craziness of Minnesota weather. I never meant to be such a State-Patriot, but sometimes you just feel like waving a Minnesota flag while eating Lefsa and embracing your heritage of passive-aggression. You know what I mean?

Monday, October 1, 2007

I'm sorry, You are not Elizabeth.

I have had some issues with phones. My cell phone doesn't get great reception in my building, so I frequently have to set up a makeshift office outside in the grass in order to make calls, finalize scheduling, etc. In lieu of the oncoming winter months, I have been frantic trying to find a cheap, reliable phone service that I can use inside my apartment.

Last week, I called Vonage, just to get some information. The person I talked to was a little pushy but promised me the world. He said I could sign up risk free for a trial one-month period. Generally, I am cautious about things like this, but for whatever reason, I thought, what the heck, I am at my wits end about not being able to use a phone in my apartment, a free trial period sounds like a good idea.

NOT A GOOD IDEA.

Here's the thing: I didn't even use the service. Never even installed it or made a single call. I really had no complaints, I just decided, after some thought, that I really didn't need it. My cell phone works sometimes, and an extra monthly bill from Vonage, even at $15/month is just unnecessary. So today, in good faith, I called Vonage to cancel my service, which I had never even used.

What happened was nowhere near good costumer service. It was rude, bullying, frustrating, and outright infuriating.

I talked to (lets call him) "John" for around a half an hour. I told him I wanted to cancel my service please, and he said, "Okay, ma'am, I can help you with that, but first I will need you to verify your name and address."

Sure. No prob. I gave my name and my address.

"I'm sorry, the Elizabeth that signed up for Vonage gave us a different address. I'll give you two more chances, and then I'll have to disconnect you. Please verify the address on the account."

A little shaken, I repeated my address. What? Had I mixed up the numbers? And did I detect a condescending voice? No...it's all in my head...I just mis-spoke my address. Now he's got it.

"I'm sorry," (it is a condescending voice!), "That's not Elizabeth's address. You have one more chance. What is the address?"

Growing a little irritated, I said, "Look, maybe someone typed it in wrong. I am giving you my address."

"In order to protect Elizabeth's account, I cannot help you unless you know the address on the account. The address you are giving me is not Elizabeth Rognes's address. You have one more chance."

What the fuck. Was this a gameshow? One more chance? IT'S MY ADDRESS!!! I know my own address.

Finally, I repeated my address but eliminated the apartment number, in a wild attempt to find the right answer.

"Thank you, that's correct."

Sweet Jesus!

So then he asked how he could help me, and I said that I would like to cancel my service, and he said, "Let me give you some other options."

He began giving me a list about ten minutes long, and I interrupted him to say, "Thank you, but I would just like to cancel my service."

"But don't you want to put your account on hold and transfer your service to a friend or family instead?"

"No thank you," I said, doing my best to keep my patience.

"So you put your own needs in front of others?"

Excuuuuuuuuuse me????? This was a blow. I scoffed, feeling humiliated and offended. Who says that? In what world is it professional to berate the customer? In fact, I felt shamed!

I stammered, "Uh, I would just like to cancel my service."

This game went on and on, he continued trying to offer me other options, and I continued to say no and offer as little information as possible.

He asked how I was going to find a better deal, and what my new phone service is going to cost me.

I said, "That's none of your business."

"Actually ma'am, it IS my business. In the business of providing a service, it IS my business to know where my costumers are going and how much they are going to pay. So tell me who your new phone provider is?"

Just wanting to finish the process I said, "Look, I am on a long-standing cell phone contract. I thought I needed a home phone, but it turns out having a cell phone is all I need and can afford."

"Ma'am, what is your monthly budget?"

"That is certainly not your business."

"Actually, ma'am, it IS my business. As a costumer service provider, it IS my business to help you find a rate that fits into your budget. So what is your monthly budget?"

"I am not required to tell you what my budget is. I would just like to cancel my service."

"Okay and I can help you with that," (ARGH! That condescending voice!!!), "but first I want to make sure you aren't making a rash decision. Let's just think about this. It doesn't make sense for you to cancel your service with Vonage when you can transfer your free month trial period to a friend or family member. Do you really want to lose out on free service? Is that the smartest thing to do?"

Again, I felt bullied and disrespected. I figured he was doing what he was trained to do--pull out all the stops and try to retain costumers. But this was outrageous!

So more and more haggling happened, and finally, thirty minutes later, he agreed to cancel my service. Then he said, "But I will need to you to stay on the line while I put you on hold and cancel your service."

"Okay," I said.

"You're not in a hurry, are you?" he asked.

My irritation was burgeoning, multiplying, beginning to ooze from my pores. "What do you mean? How long will I be on hold?"

"I can't tell you that."

Oh, Exasperation! "Can you give me an estimate?"

"I cannot disclose that information. But I will tell you that if you hang up while you are on hold, you account will not be terminated, and you will have to call back at a later time."

Irritated and aware of how many minutes I had already used up on my shared cell phone family plan, I said, "Okay, let's just go ahead and do it as quickly as possible."

He tried again to change my mind but finally clicked over so that I was on hold.

And on hold....

and on hold.....
and on hold....
hold
hold hold
..................
................

I did some emailing, some web surfing, some peeing, some cooking, some light housework, wrote a novel, a symphony, went for a run, picked my nose, cleaned the litter box......
............

still
on
hold

Thirty minutes later (yes, I was exaggerating about all the things I did while waiting on hold--but I certainly thought about them all), I was still on hold, and my Monday afternoon student appeared at my door. Knock, knock!

I did the only thing I could prudently do in that situation, I hung up the goddamn phone and taught some music. I could not have afforded the minutes wasted sitting on hold while sightreading Puccini. And I couldn't interrupt a lesson to take a call from Johnage with Vonage. Honestly! Argh! Exasperation, Annoyance, Irritation, Frustration, Aggravation, Agitation, and, Hail Mary, Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrovocation!!!!!!

I opened the door and smiled politely at my student and then proceeded to vent about what I had just gone through (yes--it is an adult student, I wasn't unloading on a third grader.)

So. After all of that, a total of one hour on the phone, feeling berated, bullied, and shamed, I still have not had my service canceled. This is ridiculous. RI DI CU LO SO.

Remember, I hadn't really had any issues with Vonage at the onset of this debacle. I was neutral. And after this phone call, I am outraged and irritated and completely frustrated with Vonage. I still have not had my service canceled!

And all of this after nearly refusing to speak to me in the first place because the person who had entered my address did not include my apartment number, so when I recited my address including the apartment number, I heard, "I'm sorry. The Elizabeth who ordered Vonage service does not have that address. I'm going to have to disconnect you."

He might as well have said, "I'm sorry, you are not Elizabeth Rognes, and I am not part of Vonage. I am just here to make you feel like shit and ensure that you continue paying a monthly fee. Is that your final answer? I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Good bye."